Sunday, March 13, 2016

Listen Up Fatties: How to Lose Fat--Guaranteed or I'll Personally Come Over and Wash Under Your Fat Folds

Calories in, calories out is the most infuriating tautology of all time.  It's such a deflection of the real question that I suspect a politician came up with it.  Admittedly, it is a true statement, much like stock prices go up because of more buyers than sellers, but the other factors of why we get fat is understudied and unfortunately ignored.  This post will be three parts and for the laziest of the lazy (maybe that's why you are fat?), here is what you do to lose fat:

1. Eat 1-2 meals a day, preferably right after you work out.  You should fast for at least 16 continuous hours in a day.  The rest of the day, you should only consume 0 calorie drinks like tea, black coffee, and water.

2. Eat mostly low carb with high fat and moderate protein.  Simply, the more natural the food the better, with lots of green vegetables.  If you are wealthy bourgeoisie oppressing the proletariat, feel free to eat the organic stuff.

3. If you are a woman, cut the fasting period to 12 hours and work your way up to 16.  Drop back down if you suddenly start gaining weight.

Part 1 will explore the diet of an average American: SAD (Standard American Diet).  Part 2 will discuss the mainstream advice of eat less and exercise more and why it won't work in the long run for most people.  Part 3 will explain why my method will work for the majority of people for long term weight loss.

Part 1: Enter Homer Simpson

I said average American and nothing oozes Standard American like Homer.  He eats every few hours: breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, and possibly another snack that passes for dinner in any other country.  He consumes about 3500 C daily and is currently borderline overweight/obese with high levels of fat around his abdomen.  Luckily for now, his weight has plateaued at 250 lb.  Factually, what is going on with his body?

First, since his weight is plateaued, we can deduce that his body expends 3500 C to keep him at 250 lb.  Second, because he is constantly eating, presumably not just bars of butter, his body's insulin levels are constantly high to drive glucose into his cells.  This is a troubling development if Homer was real and not a cartoon as insulin, like most things, garners a lesser and lesser response if we are exposed to it too frequently.  Just like heroin junkies needing more and more to get the same high, Homer's constantly high insulin levels force his body to up its production of insulin to ever higher levels to drive the same level of sugars into his cells.  One unfortunate side effect is that elevated levels of insulin preclude his body from using fat storage for energy.

Consider a few years later and he is still eating 3500 C, yet he has ballooned to 275 lb.  What happened?  Maybe he is underestimating how much he eats, but this can actually happen even if we know for sure that his eating habits have not changed.  What most likely occurred is that due to his inability to access fat stores, his body mistakenly believes that there is a shortage of calories when his glycogen stores are near empty in the liver and his muscles.  Suppose he can only store 2500 C of energy in those places, his body will actually titrate downwards to burn less Calories as it mistakenly believes that there is a shortage.  Mathematically, his body is now burning less calories while he continues to consume 3500 C.

He is obviously on his way to the American endgame of diabetes and Metabolic Syndrome and as a pledge to outlive stupid Flanders, he decides to go on a diet.

Part 2: The Mainstream Diet is actually sadder than SAD

His dietitian (not Dr. Nick) tells him to eat less and exercise more.  When he consumes less calories, he almost certainly will lose weight at the beginning, but his body is fighting him every step of the way.  First, as he loses weight, his body naturally needs less calories as there is less physical body to maintain so he continuously needs to eat less and less, not fun for any American.  Second, by continuing to eat frequent meals, his insulin levels remain high, which make it difficult for his body to access his fat stores.  Unfortunately, his point of satiety does not decrease as his calorie intake target decreases.  Thus, he feels hungrier as the diet goes on.  Next, he begins to exercise, but this just makes him even hungrier.

The conundrum to any normal diet and exercise routine is that any caloric deficit is noticed by your body, the larger the deficit, the more your body reacts by lowering its expenditure as it automatically assumes a shortage of food.  Like any good manager of a power plant, it decreases energy usage to spare the reserves.  It's just unfortunate for us that the reserves in this case is fat.

Homer eventually fails because the hunger gets overwhelming and the exponential difficulty in losing weight is too much for him.  He settles on killing Flanders instead, which he finds to be a much easier way to outlive someone.  Here is how we could've saved Flander's life.

Part 3: As Mexican Dog Trainer Man Says: Work with Nature, not Against It

To solve this conundrum, we have to do the following:  first, we need to get rid of the high insulin levels in our blood, allowing the fat to be accessed in the first place.  Second, we need to eat in such a way so that our body isn't stingy with the reserves.  Third, we need to eat to the point of satisfaction so that this is a sustainable model for the long run.

Let's tackle the insulin issue: we need to increase the insulin sensitivity.  Taking a cue from relapsed heroin junkies who overdose, the easiest way is to avoid eating anything that garners an insulin response.  This is difficult as both protein and carbohydrates will tell your body to release insulin so the next best thing is to simply eat nothing.  Fasting is unfortunately associated with terrible side effects, but almost all of them are unfounded.  Nobody is telling you to fast for a week and in fact, most men can fast for up to 72 hours with little ill effects.  Of course this isn't sustainable, but at the very least a 16 hour fast in a 24 hour period is very doable.  In fact, it's as simple as skipping breakfast.  You eat around noon and again at 7.  Or if you are feeling like a big man, eat once a day.  This gives your body at least a 16 hour break from insulin, increasing your body's sensitivity to it and not needing as much next time around.  Remember: the higher the level of insulin released, the more difficult to use fat as energy.

Second, by eating a mostly low carb diet, you are staying away from foods that will force your body to release the highest levels of insulin.  This is a bit extreme and not needed if you are close to normal weight, but if you are fat as a fatass like our Homer, it's a lot easier to just simply eat natural meats and vegetables.  Other tricks to increase insulin sensitivity is to use spices like turmeric, drink green tea, and take magnesium supplements, but the biggest factors are fasting and eating low carb.

Most of you will surely think I'm a crackpot as wouldn't your metabolism slow down after skipping a meal?  Wrong again, fatso, and that's why you are fat and I'm not as fat.  This kind of starvation mode does not kick in until 3-4 days.  In fact, your metabolism speeds up as your body releases adrenaline once you fast for +8 hours.  This is attributable to the good old days when we hunted rhinos and shit, before all the Social Justice Warriors got butthurt about all the poaching.  Men would go on hunts lasting for days and could not bring too much food as it would slow them down.  Thus, in anticipation of a successful hunt, men's bodies have evolved to burn fat freely during a fast as it tries to give you as much energy as possible to bring down Bambi.  In essence, we are tricking our body into thinking we actually left the house and is on the hunt.  As an analogy, it's the same as when you ejaculate after watching pornography, tricking your body to think that you actually got to feel the tender embrace of a woman.

Lastly: is this sustainable?  It depends what kind of lardass you are.  If you are like me, who do not comprehend fullness, but rather operate on a binary system of "not full" and "I hate myself," then this kind of diet works spectacularly well.  If you are the other kind of fat fucker that just need to nibble on something all day, this may not work for you, but you should do it anyways because otherwise you are killing yourself with insulin.

In a nutshell, yes you have to eat under your energy expenditure, BUT by eating this way, you are increasing your energy expenditure to the maximum.  It's also much harder to surpass this eating only 1 to 2 meals a day.  If you get stuck, the easiest way to continuously lose fat is to increase the fasting period, which essentially increases the period in which your body burns fat.  Or you can eat less, but we both know that's not happening.  Just keep an eye on the scale and if you start putting weight back on suddenly, your fasting periods are getting too long and you are now in true starvation mode.  Just make sure you didn't go to two buffets in one day.

For women: most of this holds true, but you need to start off with 12 hour fasting periods and see how your body feels.  Since women rarely went on hunts, most women did not evolve to have this characteristic.  Staying at home with the children (no feminism in the -10th Century) meant you had normal meals throughout the day.  Still, shorter fasts should still work, but keep a close eye on how you feel and of course do not attempt this if you are trying to get pregnant, are pregnant, or nursing.

Disclaimer: Talk to your doctor before following any advice you find on the Internets.  Failure to do so may cause death or worse.  If you sue me, my lawyer will force you to read this part in a court of law.